Prologue

GW: Hello, one and all. I'm Ginny Weasley and this is-

DM: - her boyfriend. The charming, witty, good looking, aristocratic, sex-

*smack*

DM: Ow! What was that for, you little chit?

GW: Anyway, as I was saying, this is Draco Malfoy. We're here to help you have a long and healthy relationship with some simple tips and guidelines to follow.

DM: You'll get to see her trials and tribulations.

GW: Dealing with the nitwit next to me.

DM: Hey! I take offense to that.

GW: Ask me if I've ever cared, darling.

*Draco huffs*

GW: Alright. He's going to be a big baby and not talk to me for a while. So while I'm single… any takers?

*Colin Creevey appears onstage*

*Draco sputters indignantly*

DM: I thought you were gay! You are in practically every story!

CC: I always said that I'd go straight for Gin, mate.

DM: I thought you were joking…

CC: Sorry. That's how it is.

*Draco gets on floor and starts rocking back and forth in fetal position*

GW: *whispers* You think he fell for it?

CC: *whispers* Oh, yeah…

GW: *back to normal voice* Well… that's all the time we have for today, so stick around!

*Draco jumps up*

DM: NO! No one's going anywhere until we resolve this issue. As in you go and Avada yourself, Colin. Gin's all mine. Bugger off.

*Colin shrugs and walks off stage*

*Draco nods in approval and appeasement*

*Ginny is beside herself with hysterical laughter, but Draco is ignoring it completely*

GW: Draco.

DM: Yes?

*Ginny pauses for a second and thinks better of it*

GW: I love you.

DM: Took you long enough, wench.

*smack*

DM: Stop hitting me, woman!

GW: Stop calling me bloody names and I will!

*Draco grumbles under his breath*

*Ginny glares*

GW: I heard that. I'm not coming back home tonight.

*Draco gasps*

DM: But-but-but-

GW: I'll be with Dean and Seamus and you can go sod yourself, you stupid wanker.

DM: NO! I love you, I need you… Don't leave me…

*Insert puppy dog eyes*

GW: That's not fair! You're not playing fair, Draco Malfoy!

DM: I'm a Slytherin, love. I'm not supposed to play fair.

*Ginny sighs as she wonders how she could have gotten the misfortune of having this particular man as her husband*

*Draco smiles happily because he knows that he's getting some tonight*

GW: Just… I don't know.

DM: Don't do anything I wouldn't do!