Unrequited

By

Ahn Na Blue

Disclaimer: The world of Harry Potter belongs to Jo Rowling, not me. But it’s so darn good that I have to borrow it.

Summary: After the incident at the Department of Mysteries, Hermione Granger wakes to find Harry Potter at her bedside. This is a ficlet of Hermione, reflecting on her relationship with Harry. One shot.

Waking up is kind of like swimming through warm, dark water. It’s cozy, and I don’t want to leave it, and for a few seconds, the world of magic doesn’t exist. Hogwarts, and Voldemort, and wands, and potions…for a moment they’re just a dream I had, and when I wake I know I’ll find myself in Dad’s dental chair, with the feeling slowly coming back to my jaw. Dad, holding my hand, saying ‘come round, pet,’ and making sure the anesthesia is wearing off okay.

But when I open my eyes, it isn’t Dad holding my hand; it’s Harry, and as I come fully awake and remember what has happened, I am immediately thankful to see him. The Boy Who Lived has lived again.

He’s looking down at my hand, stroking it with his thumb, rather absently I think, but like he doesn’t know what else to do. He doesn’t know I’m awake yet, and I like it that way, being able to watch him through my lashes without him knowing, seeing him without his hundreds of defenses, the faces he wears to make us all a little less worried.

My eyes on his face, I let my hand come alive under his, and he brightens, and straightens, leaning towards me. The smile on his face is awash with relief, and for just a second I can believe that he’s just as grateful for my safety as I am for his, but the genuine smile fades, turns into the one that he wears to cheer me up, and he’s just Harry again, not my Harry.

“Hermione,” he says, “How do you feel?”

“Headache,” I croak, a real croak, how embarrassing, I must have been asleep for days to sound like that. He noticed the funny sound and now he’s grinning, making me blush and get flustered. We’re alone, not a Madam Pomfrey in sight, and he still hasn’t let go of my hand. It’s a real battle keeping from entwining my fingers in his. Be rational! A fine situation that would be: him freaking out at my crazy show of unwanted affection, and me bedridden and unable chase him down to explain it away.

I swallow hard a few times, and then venture my voice. “Is everyone else all right?”

I’m expecting him to say yes. Of course we’re all all right. We’re right as rain. We’ve come through some very dire situations, some very close scares, but we’re always just fine, a little knocked about perhaps, and I suppose I did get petrified, and then there’s Cedric of course….and oh, why isn’t he answering? Why is he sitting there, half in shadow, staring at my hand-

“Sirius didn’t make it.”

“No-” I stop myself. I don’t know what to say anyway. I can’t think of anything that doesn’t seem either ridiculous or utterly inept. I’m trying to remember…I don’t even remember Sirius being there, I never thought Sirius was there, I thought it was a trick…and oh you stupid girl, why did you have to say that to him before you left!

“Sirius came to rescue me…you were right, he was never in any danger; it was Voldemort-”

I squeeze his hand and he stops. I’d give anything to have my Time Turner back, I don’t care if witches have gone mad or lost their lives altering history, I would take this pain from you, I’d take back my stupid words, if only I could. If you look in my eyes now, you’ll see everything that I feel for you, there’ll be no point in me trying to hide it…

But he doesn’t. For all that Harry sees, he is blind to me. He doesn’t know that he’s the center of my world, the one that matters to me most of all. He hasn’t noticed what I have only recently come to realize. That I love him.

I love him! Silly as it is, me, Hermione plain Jane Granger in love with the greatest wizard in the world. No disrespect to Dumbledore, but Harry is…well, Harry.

So I suppose it’s lucky that he hasn’t noticed. We’d all be in an uncomfortable state if he did. Ron fancying me, me fancying Harry…we’d make a perfect triangle if only Harry fancied Ron…oh what are you saying- you definitely must have hit your head, Granger.

Sometimes I wonder how it is that he hasn’t noticed. I must be being very obvious in the way I favor him, because everyone else seems to have clued in. Well, except Ron. But then Ron’s rather clueless.

Even Viktor noticed, and he only knew me for a couple of months. And that insufferable Cho Chang noticed, and that’s the only evidence of intelligence that she’s ever shown. Cho Chang…Ravenclaw indeed…more like a Beauxbatons reject…I MUST talk to the Sorting Hat about that one.

“Hermione? Are you really okay?”

He’s looking at me intently; I must have been broadcasting my silent thoughts through facial expressions. Not a smart habit.

I try to smile at him. What I really want to do is cry, but it wouldn’t be fair to make him comfort me. Not now. Not when he has just lost someone. Again.

In a perfect world, he would lie upon the bed with me so that I might hold him. He would tell me everything instead of bottling it away. He would smile. He would laugh. He would have healthy parents, and I would be in here because of a charms accident instead of a nearly successful killing curse.

But this isn’t that world. In this world he has to stand strong for everyone, stand alone, and all I can do is what I’ve always done. Help him. Stand behind him. Be there with my silly books and cleverness whenever he needs me.

“Well, if you’re all right…” he says, and stands up, his fingers sliding out of my hand, which is suddenly very cold. He’s leaving.

“Harry-”

“Yeah?”

I didn’t have anything to say. I just wanted to keep him, just a few seconds more. I shake my head and mutter ‘nothing’ and then he’s walking away, and if I had the nerve I’d shout out that I love him, and that if nothing else that I know that he needs me!

As he passes through the doorway, he pauses, looks back, and smiles, and there’s my moment, come and gone in those tragic green eyes, and after he’s gone, I will cry. I’ll cry hard for everything he’s lost, and for everything I know he’ll still have to lose.

But I also believe, I have to believe, that someday, there’ll be no more Voldemort, no more destiny, no more horrible end to press on towards. One day, Harry’s fight will be over, and then, finally, he’ll turn around and find the destiny that’s really been waiting for him. The one who’s been right behind him, with her heart and her eyes open.

One day, Harry Potter. One day you’ll turn around and really see me.

The End.

AN: Just a short one, a bit of a break between the longer fics…thanks for reading, I’ll respond to any reviews, and gladly!