Disclaimer: I do not own nor do I claim to own the copyrights for the characters in this work of fiction.

The Secret Diary of Ron Weasley aged 16 & ½

Got this diary from Hermione for Christmas. She got Harry a really cool Quidditch book but I reckon this is better. She obviously knows I’m the kind of bloke who has lots of deep thoughts I need to write down. I’ll try and write every day.

My New Year’s resolutions are:

1. Get Hermione to go out with me
2. Stop thinking about shagging so much and concentrate on schoolwork and resolution number one

High Point of Day: When Hermione and Harry got back from visiting Hagrid (which was weird because I was sure I saw him going into the Forbidden Forest earlier) I spotted that Hermione’s shirt had a button undone. I saw a bit of her bra! Hee hee…it must have been like that all day, although it’s funny I didn’t notice it before.

Low Point of Day: Just realised I’ve broken New Year’s resolution number 2.

Going to have a party in the common room tonight – brilliant! Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs can come too, but no stinking Slytherins! Some of the seventh years have sneaked in some booze. As prefect I should probably say something, but am turning a blind eye. Maybe Hermione will get drunk and confess her true feelings for me!

Had a couple of drinks for Dutch courage – pretended I was yawning and tried to put my arm round Hermione’s shoulders. She told me to bugger off and was quite huffy. Perhaps drink doesn’t agree with her. Writing her a poem though – will just jot down some ideas…

Blurry booze gisdustin’ think am gonna puke…

9.30am: Woke up on floor of toilet – someone had put a blanket on me. Bet it was Hermione. I think I might have been sick…

11.30am: Can remember some stuff now. Were all playing spin the bottle and Harry kept getting to snog Hermione. It’s so unfair! I only got Lavender once and then Neville, so I did a forfeit instead. Had to down a glass of fire whisky. Had to go to toilet and throw up after that. Loony Lovegood came in and helped me a bit – she must have got the blanket for me. Wish it had been Hermione, but Loony is ok I suppose. Bit mental though…

Low Point: Discovered that the poem I wrote last night wasn’t as good as I thought:

Hermione, Hermione

Will you spend some time with me

We can do the sixty-nine

I’ll be yours and you’ll be mine…

That’s as far as I got. I don’t think it sends quite the right message of romance.

High Point: I got some puke on Harry’s new Quidditch book – Ha! Ha! Said sorry, but am secretly pleased. That’ll teach him to kiss my bird.

First day of Quidditch practice. Harry had booked the pitch, but Slytherin team came along and said Snape gave permission for them to practice too.

Training was shambles. Malfoy kept chasing Ginny round the back of the Gryffindor stand – dunno why, Harry is our seeker, you’d think he’d be marking him. One time they didn’t come out for about five minutes and I was just going to go and have a look when Malfoy came round the corner. His hair was all ruffled up and his face was a bit red, so I hope Ginny didn’t hex him or she’ll get banned. Told Harry, but he just gave me a funny look. Will have a word with Ginny later.

High Point: Ginny really seemed to listen when I stressed that she shouldn’t antagonise Malfoy or hex him during matches. She said she’d try not to and offered to go and apologise to him. Thought this was going a bit far, but she was determined, even though it was quite late. Think she is starting to respect me more now I’m a prefect. Seems to have listened to me about boys too, because she doesn’t have a boyfriend just now. I’m sure she was wearing lipstick tonight, so will keep an eye on Dean Thomas in case he tries anything on.

Low Point: Hermione caught me staring at her chest. She said ‘My eyes are up here Ron,’ really loudly in the common room and everybody laughed - especially Harry, the git. Must remember New Year’s resolution number 2!!

Bit worried about Pigwidgeon – think he’s ill. He brought me a letter from mum this morning, but then did a really big crap down the back of my robes. I think he felt bad though. I didn’t have time to change before double potions - could hear Malfoy sniggering behind me and complaining about the smell. (Smell was actually quite bad, but didn’t want to admit it to Malfoy.)

Snape sent me to sit by the window and took 15 points from Gryffindor for disrupting the class. Was bloody freezing, but the smell was better. Could see the fifth year Ravenclaws getting a flying lesson. Loony Luna did a loop the loop and her robes flew up – think I saw her knickers! Result…

Low Point: Saw Dean Thomas with his arm round Lavender today – hope Ginny didn’t see him. Might have to tell her though, as she definitely fancies someone. She keeps wearing lipstick and I’m sure she’s rolled her skirt up at the top to make it shorter. Mentioned this to her but she told me I was turning into Percy. Bloody cheek!

She seems to be having some kind of feud with Malfoy as well. Saw her talking to him again today. Hope he isn’t blackmailing her over the hexing thing.

High Point: Hermione borrowed Pigwidgeon to send a letter to Krum and Pig pooped all over it! She had to throw it in the fire. Ha! Think Pig may be affected by the cockroach clusters I gave him for Christmas – might throw the rest away.

Up before breakfast for Quidditch practice, double History of Magic, double Transfiguration, Prefect Duty at lunchtime, Herbology, double Charms, Quidditch practice again, dinner, homework, Prefect Duty, bed. Best years of your life my arse.

Hogsmeade today! Went to The Three Broomsticks with Harry and Hermione. Was trying to play footsie under the table with Hermione (recommended as a seduction technique by Witch Weekly) but realised was doing it wrong when Harry kicked my ankle quite hard and told me to stop touching him. Hmmm, will read article again for further tips.

Saw Ginny going into the Hog’s Head with someone – not sure who as they had a hood on. Wonder what she’s up to? Hope she’s not with Zacharias Smith, that boy is a wart. Looked about his height though.

Saw Crabbe and Goyle too, but no Malfoy. Hope he has detention with Filch or something, the prat.

Lost Harry and Hermione for a while after I went into Zonko’s. Found them again about twenty minutes later – Hermione looked as though she’d been running; her hair was all on end and her face was quite pink. Harry’s hair was sticking up too, but nothing new there.

Start to wonder about our children. With Hermione’s bushy-ness and my ginger-ness, they have the potential to have really horrible hair. Suppose we could shave their heads – Fred and George make wigs now. Will worry about this later I think.

Think Loony Lovegood has a crush on me. She bought me a lollypop from Honeydukes – unfortunately it was a blood flavoured one, so I gave it to Hagrid for Fang. But it’s the thought that counts. Won’t do any harm for Hermione to see that other girls fancy me, either.

Caught Harry conning Hermione into giving him a head massage. He put his head in her lap and said that his scar was hurting. I said if he wanted his scar to stop hurting, he should be formulating a plan to kill Lord Voldemort, not lying on a sofa moaning. Hermione gave me a telling off – she can be really bossy sometimes. I was only joking! Wish I’d thought of it first though. I mentioned that my lower back hurt after all the Quidditch practice I’d been doing, but Hermione said the best thing for back pain was going for a walk.

Had to go for a walk then so she wouldn’t know I was lying. Went to the Quidditch pitch.

Saw Ginny sneaking into the bottom of the Slytherin stand. Hope she isn’t doing something to sabotage it. Should probably have stopped her as I’m a prefect, but I don’t want her to call me Percy again. Saw Malfoy coming onto the Quidditch pitch as I was leaving. I said ‘Hello Malfoy!’ in a really loud voice so Ginny could hear me and have time to get away. Don’t know if she did, as I didn’t want to look back in case he suspected something. He just sneered at me as usual.

Bloody freezing today. Started snowing at lunchtime but Harry still made us do Quidditch practice tonight. On his head be it if my mum finds out about this. Ginny skived off anyway; she says she’s got a cold. I don’t know who she thinks she’s kidding. I told her that if her skirt covered more of her legs she might not be ill at all, but she just snorted at me and pranced off.

Hermione looked nice today – she was wearing one of Harry’s jumpers. She says she doesn’t have any really warm jumpers of her own. Thought about giving her one of my maroon ones, but what if she gave it back and it had boob marks in it? I wouldn’t be able to wear it anymore. Might ask mum to knit her one especially.

Harry and me got in a really big fight with Malfoy today – it was brilliant. He was winding us up about the Quidditch match on Saturday and we both lost it with him and tried to curse him at the same time. We got him with the fairy-tale curse; we turned him into a frog and he can’t turn back until someone kisses him! Ha!

High Point: Malfoy was back from the hospital wing by dinner time, but there’s a rumour going round that Madame Pomfrey had to kiss him! There’s also a rumour that Millicent Bulstrode was so distraught that she barged into the hospital wing crying her eyes out and slobbered all over him! Either way, Malfoy is looking very subdued.

Low Point: Ginny is really upset about something; she was crying on Hermione’s shoulder and saying something about Malfoy and Slytherin girls. Maybe she’s worried about the Quidditch match on Saturday, but tears seem to be a bit of an overreaction. She’s probably got her period – gross! I suggested this to Hermione, but she just rolled her eyes at me. You’d think she’d be impressed that I even thought about women’s problems.

For some reason Malfoy hasn’t sneaked on Harry and me for turning him into a frog. This must mean he’s plotting an even worse revenge.

Bit worried about Harry. His scar seems to be hurting quite a lot and he’s been going to bed quite early. Hermione has been going with him. She says she sits by the bed and reads bits out of Hogwarts: a History to soothe him to sleep. She is so caring, but I hope she’s not doing too much. I offered to take over some nights, but apparently my voice is too noisy. His scar must be really painful because I can hear moaning coming from the dormitory sometimes.

I wish he’d tell Dumbledore.

Last Quidditch practice before the match against Slytherin tomorrow. Ginny was flying very aggressively and her eyes still looked puffy. Definitely PMS; apparently women want to kill people when they have that! Hopefully she’ll direct her killer instinct against the Slytherins tomorrow and not against Dean Thomas, because if she kills him I’ll never get back the Chudley Cannons quaffle I lent him.

Match Day!

Gryffindor 230 – Slytherin 70! WE WON!

Ginny was terrifying! She knocked Adrian Pucey off his broom in the first ten minutes, and was battering the bludgers around as if she was Fred or George…Harry was brilliant as usual and I wasn’t too bad. Just as Harry caught the snitch, Ginny flew full speed into Malfoy and they both fell on the ground. They were kind of wrestling a bit and Malfoy got on top of Ginny and started whispering stuff in her ear. She wasn’t struggling much so I thought he might be cursing her and I ran over, but she was ok. In fact she looked a lot happier than she had for the past few days, so maybe knocking Malfoy off his broom cheered her up. I did hear her call him ‘Draco’ which was a bit weird but maybe she banged her head on the ground and got confused.

There was a celebration in the common room later and Luna came along with Padma Patil. Hermione wasn’t paying much attention to me, so I was quite happy when Luna put her hand on my knee a couple of times and called me ‘Ronald.’ She did start going on about crumple-horn snorkacks a bit, but I told her a couple of funny stories to distract her.

I looked over at Hermione a couple of times and caught her watching me. She smiled and gave a thumbs up sign – I hope she was just covering up a breaking heart.

Still snowing. I have three spots on my chin and one on my forehead. Hermione says it’s because I never eat any fruit or vegetables. I think it’s because I have lots of pent up frustrations and raging hormones. I might have to borrow Ginny’s ‘Gladrags Wizard Wear’ catalogue and have a look at the underwear section…

Borrowed it under the pretense that I’m going to get mum a hat for her birthday. The underwear section seems to have a lot of red and black lacy stuff circled – I wonder who else has been looking at it? Surely Ginny and Hermione wouldn’t want this kind of stuff? Some of it’s made out of leather! Feel a bit funny after looking at this, so give it back straight away. Think I’ll go for a cold shower.

Spots are even larger. Force myself to eat some Brussels Sprouts at lunchtime even though they taste like farts. Hermione told me to stop being a baby. Sometimes I don’t know why I want her to be my girlfriend. Thought about telling her that she wasn’t the boss of me, but then realised this was childish and undignified in a prefect. She isn’t the boss of me though.

Had big argument with Hermione today about S.P.E.W. Told her I wanted to let my membership lapse, as I needed the money to buy a razor. I definitely have enough hair on my face now to start shaving.

Hermione didn’t seem to agree and made quite a sarcastic comment about having to shave around my spots or I’d need a blood transfusion. I thought she’d be impressed that I was man enough to need to use a razor! I almost told her that Dobby’s been taking all the hats she leaves out for the house-elves anyway, but Harry’s face stopped me – I could see the panic in his eyes. I think he’s quite scared of her.

After putting up with a few more comments about not needing a razor for ‘two tiny strands of ginger hair’ I offered to use the razor to cut bits out of her own hair so she could get through doorways more easily. This did not go down well at all and I made a sharp exit to the Owlery. I didn’t know she’d be so touchy…

High Point: Pig seems to have recovered from the dodgy cockroach clusters. His perch in the Owlery smells an awful lot better at any rate.

Low Point: Hermione is still not speaking to me and we are using Harry as a go-between. I think he’s already fed up with this, as he didn’t want Hermione to read to him tonight and left her at the fireside, glowering at me. I didn’t ask her to check my potions homework like I normally would – so now I’m almost guaranteed a detention off Snape tomorrow for sloppy work. It really doesn’t pay to fall out with Hermione.

As predicted, Snape took great relish in giving me a detention. I have to clean out the bottoms of the six huge cauldrons he has at the front of the classroom without using magic. The fumes’ll most likely poison me before I’ve even finished one.

High Point: Hermione felt bad and offered to sneak down and help me later on. I told her not to be thick – it’s my own fault I’m rubbish at potions. At least she’s talking to me again; she gave me a really nice smile! Wonder if her and Harry will miss me tonight.

Low Point: All the cauldrons had about six inches of disgusting syrupy slime at the bottom of them, that smelled like old chicken fat. It’s all under my fingernails and in my hair, but when I tried to go to the prefects’ bathroom to clean up, Moaning Myrtle was hanging around. I didn’t want her perving on me, so I went back to the common room.

Just as I was opening the portrait hole I heard a kind of scuffling noise. Found Harry and Hermione sitting on the sofa – Hermione had her eyes closed and her head on his shoulder. Harry said he had come down to get a book and Hermione had been sleep walking and he was trying to wake her up. Bet she’s really embarrassed in the morning; she was only wearing a really skimpy nightdress. I had to go up to bed really quickly after that – her boobs looked great and I could feel things happening in my trousers…

Was there ever such a torturous thing as double History of Magic? Even the cruciatus curse can’t be as bad as this. Harry and me spent the second hour creating a Super-Quidditch team with the best players from all over the world. We started to get a bit loud when I didn’t want Krum to be in it and Hermione tutted loudly at us. Don’t know if she was tutting about the noise or the Krum thing. Hope she doesn’t like him anymore.

Saturday tomorrow – thank all the gods in creation.

Day of Doom

Now I know what Malfoy’s revenge was – to snog my sister!

Don’t know if I can write much more just now, am too traumatised. Can’t get the disgusting picture of Malfoy and Ginny joined at the lips out of my head! Am just going straight to bed.

Still feel sick, but am more together now and can talk about what happened.

Went to Hogsmeade again yesterday. Me, Harry and Hermione decided to go to the Shrieking Shack for a look around, as we were pretty bored. Imagine my surprise to open the door and see the revolting sight of Malfoy practically on top of Ginny, snogging her face off! I think I gave a bit of a roar and pulled my wand out, but Hermione grabbed my arm and told me to calm down.

Ginny was very unruffled about the whole thing, I must say. At least Malfoy had the decency to look a bit ashamed of himself. She just said that she was sorry if I was annoyed, but she wasn’t going to stop seeing Draco and if I told mum and dad she would never speak to me again.

Then Harry asked her where she got off, telling us what to do, after she’d been the one sneaking around and telling lies. So Ginny said ‘Oh, you can talk Harry, what about…’ but shut up suddenly and looked at the floor. She must mean all the times me and Harry have done stuff without telling Dumbledore or mum and dad. But it’s hardly the same thing!

Managed not to ram my wand up Malfoy’s pointy nose and got out of there. I’ll never understand women.

Somehow the whole school knows about my sister and Malfoy. Ginny doesn’t seem to realise that she is a disgrace to the Weasley name and is acting like there’s nothing wrong. In fact, I keep hearing girls giggling in corners with her – they seem to think Malfoy’s good looking or something! He looks like a girl for crying out loud!

How can she go from the bat bogey hex to this though? At least Harry is on my side about this. Hermione just said that Malfoy had changed a lot since his dad went into Azkaban and we should trust Ginny’s judgement.

I have two words to say to that: ‘Tom’ and ‘Riddle’.

Still can’t believe Ginny. Also can’t believe she hasn’t had a howler from mum! Fred and George are going to make her life a misery this summer when they find out.

Told Harry I wished that Ginny would just go out with him. He said that he just saw her as a friend, and I said sometimes friends can become more than that. I looked at Hermione when I said this, but she was staring at Harry for some reason. For someone so clever she’s really slow to take a hint…

Cannot BELIEVE what happened today. I got a howler from mum, for letting Ginny have a boyfriend!! It was dead embarrassing. At least Malfoy had to keep his big fat mouth shut for once, seeing this is all his fault. She said Ginny was entirely too young for a boyfriend, especially one that none of us like (that was the only good bit, Malfoy looked really insulted – ha ha!) and I had to sort it out right away. And I was supposed to be a PREFECT for heavens sake, couldn’t I see what was going on under my nose?

Easy for her to say! She might think Ginny’s a little innocent angel, but she’s really more like a miniature version of Fred or George.

Luna came up to me afterwards and said, ‘Don’t worry Ronald. I know it’s not your fault. Look, I made this for you.’ She gave me a butterbeer cap on a bit of string – I think I’m meant to wear it round my neck. It was kind of nice of her, but I mean, come on! Everyone’ll think I’m some kind of nutter if I wear it!

High Point: Roast beef and Yorkshire pudding for dinner – hurrah!

Low Point: Hermione made me have fruit salad for pudding. And then ate apple pie and custard right in front of me!

Snow has melted but now there’s slush everywhere. Fell off my broom in Quidditch practice and skidded along the ground for about 40 feet. Hit my eye on a rock in the ground. Going to Madame Pomfrey now – hope she gives me an eye-patch like a pirate! Ahoy there me hearties!

No eye-patch, just a big black eye to go nicely with the spots and the stubble.

Dumbledore announced today that there’s going to be a valentine’s day feast, at a special request from a few staff and pupils. I’m pretty bloody sure it wasn’t Professor McGonagall – she looked disgusted by the idea. Lavender and her gang started giggling though, and so did those gruesome Slytherin girls. Hope it doesn’t mean we won’t get proper food! It might be all pink cakes and oysters and rubbish like that!

Still, it might be a good opportunity for me to get somewhere with Hermione. I might start on another poem…

Rained all day. Still had Quidditch practice though.

I had a shave this afternoon in the Prefect’s bathroom. Seemed to go quite well, I only cut myself 8 times. I stopped the bleeding with bits of loo-roll.

Caught Harry enchanting a valentine’s card to sing – aha! Wouldn’t tell me who it was for. Hopefully he took my hint about Ginny and will try and get her away from Malfoy. Then everything would work out perfectly!

Roll on February….

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A/N: This was just a stupid thing I thought up the other day and wrote in an afternoon, after re-reading ‘The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole aged 13 & ¾’ by Sue Townsend. If you’ve never read that you should get it NOW! It’s vastly superior to this nonsense, and has loads of British slang in, so it’ll be good for your fan fics.

Anyway, let me know if you enjoyed it, and I’ll make a start on February!