hagridSigned | Chapter : 1 | Date : 17/12/06
What a Hoot! An' I'm not rabbitin' on about the sounds from the owlery either. Thought I was gonna spew me pumpkin juice all over the screen! The muggle PM feelin' like he had a full body bind put on him a kid. And no, yer didn't say it, it just felt like that ter me. Keep up the good work, an' remember ter let yer owl rest between flights. |
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mickyUnsigned | Chapter : 1 | Date : 15/07/06
iliked this chapter very much and cant wait to see wat else u come up with keep up the good work |
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JeanasUnsigned | Chapter : 1 | Date : 23/06/06
I like the idea of the Prime Minister and Harry meeting. But is the Prime Minister is a really so fine political man why didnt he try to find another source of advice there?. And why didnt he read the magical newspaper like the Prophet?.
Perhaps you could explain through Kinsgley that the Dialy Prophet that have been send to him had deeply shocked the Prime Minister because he was seeing a raving Hippogriff or a flying Dragon or something. So he refused to read them from the beginning.
And how come that he didnt remenbered Harry Potter. This was the name that Fugde had told him a year before and being a politician he had to know the VIP names.Perhaps a obliviate spell or the fact that the Prime Minister had been sick for a long time affecting his ability to remenber something.
And arent the Dursley not shocke to see the Prime Minister on their front door??.Like Petunia faining because she realized that she hadnt dusted the curtain or something.
Good Continuation !
Waiting for the next ones
Cheers  |
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wonderful, wonderful start.. hope to see more soon  . . . that was gonna be it but i've never gave a review that short soo.. GO HARRY!!! love how you protrayed him here.. is fudge just working for the other minister still(sorry cant spell his name.. and dont have time / cant be bothered to check right now)? or does he have another purpose? anyway love the strat you have here cant wait for more...but i suppose i'll have to learn won't i ^_-
ramble on
 dysfunctionalspirit |
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KessanchSigned | Chapter : 1 | Date : 26/05/06
Great opening chapter  I cant wait to see what happens next Keep up the wonderful work and update soon  |
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mrrlyn42Signed | Chapter : 1 | Date : 26/05/06
not bad....i hope you dont get to serious with this thought... i like youre happier stuff |
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lierianSigned | Chapter : 1 | Date : 24/05/06
Very good start! I'm quite intrigued by this story and can't wait for more.
Lierian
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Good start. I look forward to reading more. One editorial comment... Speaking sentences should be enclosed in double quotes... "Hello, Kingsley." Internal monologues should be in single quotes... 'Boy it's hot.', he thought. There were also some punctuation errors, but nothing too major. You may want to consider getting a beta to catch these things. Good Luck! |
Author Feedback: I have been told in the past to use " instead of ' to indicate speaking, however I checked several books, including Harry Potter, and it seems that ' is actually correct. I understand from checking my style guide that " is only used in a direct quote, obviously as these are fictional characters when they speak I am not quoting. Thanks for taking the time to reveiw. |
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Excellent!!! I'm looking forward to reading more. Congrads on coming up with something so completely unique. Bravo.
I can't wait to see what happens next. |
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After the rather funny or romantic MoI and BYC , this story promises to be dark, deep and best of all long. Very promising!
However, there are some things you should consider:
1. Employ a beta or take the time to proof-read. There were quite a few grammar issues in here. As there are almost none in MoI, I assume you just couldn't wait to publish. Do not worry: Noone will bite you if you do not update twice a day ;-)
2. Be sure to avoid logical glitches. E.g. Shacklebolt defending Harry and Shacklebolt letting Harry surprise and lecture the Minister both are valid, original, and well thought of points. However, one might argue that they are controversial and should not come from one and the same person.
(Says I, who could not write fanfiction to save his life...)
Keep up the good work |
Author Feedback: Thanks for the review I'm glad you like it, it will be dark, deep and long and this one will not have the speedy updates of MOI.
1. I should have read it again before I posted it, I wrote it a while ago and thought it was as edited as I wanted it to be but I think I should definaty have given it another once over before posting cause your not the only person to mention that.
2. Maybe I read to much fanfiction but regarding the Harry Kingsley interaction remember we're seeing things from Kingsley that Harry doesn't see or know about. From Cannon we know that Kingsley has a high opinion of Harry, He said he would've made Harry prefect in fifth year. Also he was a member of the gaurd that took Harry to Grimmauld place and a member of the order of pheonix, so I think he was protective of Harry too. So really based on what we do know about Kingsley I think his behaviour is plausible. Others may disagree but then I thought HBP read like a badly written fanfic so every reader is more than entitled to form their own opinions.
I really do appreciate the feedback though and will definatly keep it in mind when writing future chapters.
Cheers Lady Laughalot. |
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AnonymousUnsigned | Chapter : 1 | Date : 23/05/06
I liked the attitude of dismissal and the realization that the Prime Minister was getting exactly what he usually gave. I've met government ministers and they're precisely the same way. Nice!
However, concerned about the canon of the Harry-Shacklebolt familiarity. But well for the effect. |
Author Feedback: They've met a few times I think Harry would recognize and remember him, he is after all a big black guy with a gold earring. He was also around quite a bit during the summer before fifth year, remember he was at that party for Ron & Hermione, Harry overheard him saying he would have given him the prefectship. |
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brentdaxSigned | Chapter : 1 | Date : 23/05/06
I like the plot so far (I'm tempted to steal the "Prime Minister visits Harry" scenario for something I'm working on, but I'm resisting), but you need to work on the technical aspects of writing, especially punctuation:
`Well it was a pleasure meeting you Prime Minister.' Said Harry standing up.
'Well, it was a pleasure meeting you, Prime Minister,' said Harry, standing up.
Perhaps you can find a beta who's good at this sort of thing. |
Author Feedback: Hmmm I guess the punctuation of that scentence depends on how you want the character to have said it. I wanted it to be a short fairly abrupt scentence, Harry was dismissing him. The other reads somewhat as though he's about to say something else and he wasn't. Maybe I should have a beta so I can debate those points with them but I like betaing my own work, I think it makes me a better writer because I get feedback like this rather than have a stranger make changes to my story, and because it teaches me to pick up on the mistakes I'm making myself.
I'll think about it though and thanks for the feedback. |
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very good start, very good. I'm going to enjoy watching this unfold. Keep it up and get back to MoI please. Love that one |
Author Feedback: I'm glad you like it, and I promise MOI is my first priority at the moment. This will be worked on seriously once that is completed. |
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Very nice. Iwould love to see where this story is going. Great first chapter! |
Author Feedback: Thankyou, it will go somewhere I promise, updates will be a little slow to start though only because my main priority is MOI. Once that's finished though it will be full steam ahead with this story. |
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Where is this going to? It smells deliciously...
I have seen this story at ff.net but I didn't want to read it at first, honestly, but since you have posted it here I thought it was worth it.
I really want to know what is going to happen, lady!
Keep on writing, it is wonderful! And congrats for becoming and author, I had been reading your challenge posts.
Txell |
Author Feedback: Thankyou...
Thats excellent that I've managed to create that suspense for you... I am going to do my best to make this story as canonical and plausible as possible. That does mean though that the H/Hr action will be confined to a bit of flirting till right at the end unfortunatly. |
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