AnonymousUnsigned | Chapter : 1 | Date : 13/09/06
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I hated that, I wish I had known it would have ended like that because then I probably wouldn't have read it. Hermione died kinda pathetically don't you think?! Sad really sad... |
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neniSigned | Chapter : 1 | Date : 07/10/04
Umm ... okay ... well, i'm always honest when i leave a review so i'm going to leave some constructive critism here ...
It seems that you've rushed through this story ... you could have written it with so much more details, making it into a story with more chapters ... grammatically speaking, you have no major faults, so that's good 
however, you do need to practise writing stories! You're just jumping around, without any desription of places, things and people ...
For example, Hermione left - Harry thought that he should find her and rans after her - Voldie her! I mean, no suspence, no emotions ... get my point?
I'm sure that you can do so much better than this! First of all, you should ALWAYS have a plan of your story ... then you can write it out roughly, adding and taking away things ... Then you have the general idea of where you want to go with this story ...
Just ... don't be so cliched in your stories ... also, the way you have them talking sounds very "robot" like ... Give your characters emotion, afterall they ARE human! Don't make them sound as if they just got out of a cliche romance-novel!
Be original and plan your work!!
Hope to see more from you and i'm sure we'll witness improvement if you take note of your reviews 
 neni =)  |
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paulinhaSigned | Chapter : 1 | Date : 06/10/04
I honestly do not mean to hurt, but i think there is a lot of work to be done in this story. First, it was awfully rushed, one paragraph he's off to snog Hermione senseless and in the next hes trying to kill Voldemort. The way you described Voldy's death seemed rather... silly, really. It was so simple. Although that's just my opinion. The dialogues are mostly cliche-ed.
Besides, isn't this rated nc-17? I guess you should also change the rating, giving as we hardly have any of IT going on... |
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catcatSigned | Chapter : 1 | Date : 06/10/04
Well actually I didn't expect that the ending is Hermione's death! Really sad of this, Hermione always my favourite character.  |
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AnonymousUnsigned | Chapter : 1 | Date : 06/10/04
I've found that a more suitable title for this story would be "The Worst"... better luck next time |
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Well, that was...really bad. Sorry to be so blunt, but there's very little to recommend this beyond a thimblefull of plot bunny. The idea that it would take Hermione's death at Voldemort's hands to give Harry the strength to defeat him is not new in angst fics, but it is a theme that, when handled well, can make for interesting reading--not pleasant, but interesting. You slammed thru so many things so quickly, though, that there's really nothing for a reader to hold on to here. In less than 2000 words, you cover the following:
They're out of Hogwarts.
The Trio share a Flat.
Ron is murdered by Voldemort.
Harry and Hermione are involved.
They're about to marry.
They're fighting over her staying.
She leaves, Voldemort grabs her.
Harry sees Voldemort cut her throat.
She dies in Harry's arms.
Harry kills Voldemort with his bare hands.
Hermione's ghost says goodbye.
That's enough plot elements to fill a 20,000 word fic, what you wrote was more of a clifs notes version.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and the obverse is true; it takes a thousand words to paint a picture for the reader. Harry Potter is such a rich world in which to write, it deserves to be approached like Michaelangelo approached the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. What you wrote was barely a snapshot.
Next time, try applying the 6 rules of journalism to your story's development; who, what, when, where, how, and why. If your story doesn't answer each of those to the reader's satisfaction, it needs work. Good luck.
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Author Feedback: I just read your review of my mini-story up on Portkey. Originally I wanted it to be only that one scene, no background info, just a little flash. A friend of mine persuaded me to add the first few chapters. I also debated turning it into a longer fic, which I still might do. I just needed to not only write it down, but get feedback on it from people who were not my friends. Although I value this friend's opinion as a writer, and respect him for doing something I could never do: publish a book, he's still my friend and wouldn't give me an honest opinion. Or at least not as honest as yours.
And you're right. It was the sparknotes (sorry, I work at B&N and I needed to insert a co. plug there) version of a good story. And I didn't put as much effort into it as possible. I was listening to a song, the story came to me, and in my next class I wrote it down. Then I showed it to my friend and expanded it slightly and I was pretty much done.
This is actually my first review I have received that was negative but not mean. And I have to respect that.
Thank you
-Dani |
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fairyp80Signed | Chapter : 1 | Date : 06/10/04
wow. that was really disturbing. i mean dont get me wrong the story was really good and well written, but you were right when you said it was dark and violent...you have a really vivid imagination...keep up the good writing |
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Interesting. Sad, but interesting. You could have turned this into a really good long fic, but great job. |
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